Fancy Coffee (December 1994)

This post is part of a series of editorials written by Bert Walsh during his tenure as president and past president of the Shasta Historical Society. Readers are advised that his humor is often irreverent and rarely politically correct. 

Click here for the table of contents for the entire collection of his editorials.

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If it isn't one darn thing it's another. Seems like nobody in the world drinks coffee anymore. One may sip Espresso, Cappuccino, Latte, or Mocha nowadays but coffee is not politically correct unless it is double strength, tastes like candy, and has suds on top. So in order to stay current on this fad, we are proud to offer our readers the following simple gourmet beverage recipe:

To one cup of water add 3 spoons of Instant Sanka and the same quantity of Ovaltine. Cook in the microwave until it splatters, and top with a dab of Kool Whip. You like it with foam on top? No problem! Just drop in an Alka Seltzer tablet. Enjoy.

--BTW

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Hybridization (November 1994)

This post is part of a series of editorials written by Bert Walsh during his tenure as president and past president of the Shasta Historical Society. Readers are advised that his humor is often irreverent and rarely politically correct. 

Click here for the table of contents for the entire collection of his editorials.

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There is something strange going on here and I am at a loss to explain it. You may have noticed that Wayne has discovered a way to manipulate the desktop publishing program so that the newsletter is in a two-column format instead of just printing from left to right on the paper as we did in school. This looks neat and professional--just like a newspaper and most other newsletters. But for some reason when we print all the news in the two-column format there is space leftover. Why is this??We have the same amount of stuff and the same size of paper. The trigonometry of the thing just escapes me.

But here's a public service announcement that should take up the extra space:

Scientists have come up with a way to cross Hereford cattle with an ostrich. The real challenge here was to find a bull with a lot of imagination and a really good-natured bird. Blindfolding them is a good idea. This produces a great meat animal; half white meat and half lean beef with drumsticks like you wouldn't believe.

The Herefrich has very, very long legs so they can move from place to place in nothing flat. This saves the trouble and expense of moving them by trailer. The tough part is retraining your cattle dogs. They have to be taught to operate a motorcycle in order to keep up with the herd.

Next month we plan to tell you how to train buffalo as household pets. If you start working with them early on, they can be taught to catch mice. 

---BTW

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President Emeritus, Or The Meaning of Life (October 1994)

This post is part of a series of editorials written by Bert Walsh during his tenure as president and past president of the Shasta Historical Society. Readers are advised that his humor is often irreverent and rarely politically correct. 

Click here for the table of contents for the entire collection of his editorials.

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My hamster died when it fell into a bucket of varnish.

It was a sad end but a fine finish.

Being a president emeritus is really lots of fun. Now that the dust has settled, I find that I've got one whole extra day every week available for contemplating the meaning of life.

Now some people meditate in front of TV screens or stare into barroom mirrors or computer screens. My particular thing is getting away to our place in the hills. After taking care of the minimal chores, it's nice to pour a cup of coffee and sit outside on the bench by the door where it's quiet and peaceful, look at the trees and try to discover the meaning of life.

But just when I've managed to get it all resolved, I fall asleep and when I wake up I've forgotten what it was. 

So I'm taking the easy way out. The circulation of this newsletter is over 600 families, and I'm sure that someone somewhere has hit on the true meaning of the universe. We need a program for the January meeting; I'm sure one of our readers could do a bang-up illustrated go-minute talk on the Purpose of Life as We Know It.

All you have to do is show up. We can provide an easel or slide projector and refreshments. If you would like an advance announcement in the newsletter, just let Wayne know. See you there. 

Geological Perturbations (continued) 

Now we all know that State Highway 299 West runs generally in a westerly direction. However, where it passes through old Shasta it tends in a northwesterly direction. This can be confusing, because a local inhabitant will swear to you on a stack of bibles that Whiskeytown is north of Shasta. This local orientation is hard to get used to and communication can become difficult.

This phenomenon is known as the Middle Creek Magnetic Discombobulation. It is said to be caused by something they put on the hamburgers at Jay Birds Cafe.

--BTW

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A Puzzlement (June 1994)

This post is part of a series of editorials written by Bert Walsh during his tenure as president and past president of the Shasta Historical Society. Readers are advised that his humor is often irreverent and rarely politically correct. 

Click here for the table of contents for the entire collection of his editorials.

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???Puzzlement??? The record tells us that in 1932 a bronze tablet commemorating Major Reading's discovery of gold was set on a boulder at the northwest end of the old Highway 99 bridge across Clear Creek.

Imagine our surprise when we located this monument well south of the creek at the intersection of Canyon Road and the entrance to the Wintu Indian Bingo Facility. There have been some fascinating geological aberrations in our county's history: Outhouses have been overturned--tombstones, survey markers, fences and roads have occasionally shifted positions. But never a 5-ton boulder. Could this be the work of extraterrestrial beings, or perhaps gangs from Southern California?

Actually this puzzlement is due to random displacement along the Market Street Geological Rift. This will also explain why Highway 299 West enters town on Eureka Way and 299 East leaves town on Lake Boulevard a mile or so to the north.

--BTW

Note: Turns out there were two monuments, and our source mixed up their locations. The one on the northwest side of Clear Creek commemorated Bell's Bridge and was removed when a new building on Eastside Road dislocated it. The monument for Reading's gold discovery was and is southwest of the creek as described. A new plaque and monument is to be dedicated at the discovery site five miles upstream in May, 1998, during the California Sesquicentennial celebration.

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Math (May 1994)

This post is part of a series of editorials written by Bert Walsh during his tenure as president and past president of the Shasta Historical Society. Readers are advised that his humor is often irreverent and rarely politically correct. 

Click here for the table of contents for the entire collection of his editorials.

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Being of a mathematical turn of mind, I was musing the other evening and wondering how many generations of` Historical Society members each family unit could claim. Now we know that the society was founded in l930 by individuals old enough to have had grown families; so, let's assume that a new generation occurs every 20 years. This is reasonable, considering that births in Shasta County seem to occur early on and often. My golly, it's possible that we could have fourth generation members or even fifth generation. Without thinking too hard, I can come up with several third generation folks, and I have only a nodding acquaintance with local breeding permutations and begats.

Hey, let's have a contest to see who can boast of the most generations of Historical Society members! The winner will receive a free State lottery scratcher. In case of a tie, no prizes will be awarded. 

As historians, we can tolerate a reasonable amount of falsehood and exaggeration. And if you want to purchase memberships for your children at birth or even during the second trimester, the Treasurer has no problem with that. Simply mail your entries to the Society marked "Attention Incoming President."

--BTW

Note: The incoming president was Don Moore.

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Dues and Other Trivia (April 1994)

This post is part of a series of editorials written by Bert Walsh during his tenure as president and past president of the Shasta Historical Society. Readers are advised that his humor is often irreverent and rarely politically correct. 

Click here for the table of contents for the entire collection of his editorials.

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Once upon a time it seemed like we lived from payday to payday, and we owed more than we were worth. The good news was that we were not bothered too much by folks wanting help with worthy causes and neat business propositions. But just as soon as it became obvious that we could afford two kids and a dog, it seemed like every con artist and pest in the world moved in on us. I suppose this is why we have never discussed the Society's finances much. Life's a lot simpler if folks think you are poor. 

Every month Fred Becker puts together a four-page financial report. These are on file in the library if you like numbers. If you are willing to forego half and hour of crunching numbers, here's about what's happening: 

• Your dues pay for newsletters, programs, supplies, insurance, postage and members' copies of the Covered Wagon.
• Publication sales are paying the printing bill for new publications,
• To take care of big ticket items like Wayne's paycheck, scholarships, and historical markers, we have had income from two endowments for about a year and a half. These are set up so we cannot touch the principal. However, we can cut a fairly wide hog on the interest, which is paid once a year. To even out our cash flow, we park our annual income in interest-bearing mutual and money-market funds and draw off money from these as needed. 

After operating this way for about a year and a half, we have more $'s than when we started. So we are probably not as dumb as our newsletters might suggest. On the other hand, we should be spending more $'s and effort in support of our mission. We will be putting our 1994-1995 budget together pretty soon and want to include any projects you have in mind and are willing to put effort into. We don't lack for money, but we sure could use more unpaid talent.

I guess the most striking thing that has happened this month was the feedback we got from my mention of the Backwater Development Corporation. Several long-time Democrats suggested with some good humor that I give the G.O.P. equal exposure. Now the only reason I picked on President Bill was that I could identify with a good-looking hunk complete with a foxy wife and a liking for junk food. Identifying with George and Barbara Bush I'm afraid is just not in the cards--too much of a stretch.

But don't give up hope. I do believe that if we work on it, we can quite likely come up with a Ron and Nancy thing. They seem more like our kind of people. Once I get used to falling asleep at meetings and figure out that I'm married to "Mommie," I think that I can safely say that at no time did I attend a meeting with Colonel North. 

--BTW

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The Skunk, Part II (March 1994)

This post is part of a series of editorials written by Bert Walsh during his tenure as president and past president of the Shasta Historical Society. Readers are advised that his humor is often irreverent and rarely politically correct. 

Click here for the table of contents for the entire collection of his editorials.

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Back to the subject of skunks--I was told today that putting out a pan of  ammonia will keep skunks away. They can't stand the smell. Is this true? I have been told so many things by so many people on so many subjects that I just have no feeling whatsoever for the truth anymore.

In that vein, have I ever mentioned a land development scheme in which Hillary and I were involved in the l970s? It seems that this totally organic tribe of flower children had purchased 20 acres to pasture their goats on. However, the goats were making slow work of the manzanita, and it was winter and the trailer sprang a leak, the cesspool overflowed and there was some problem making the payments. Well, one thing led to another. and pretty soon we were riding the crest of the Shasta County land boom. This venture became known as the Backwater Development Corp.

Well, time passed, the note got paid off, we brought in electric power, an all-weather road, a well, and eventually a flush toilet with adjoining bedroom. During this time, we have learned to take pleasure in the natural rhythms of country life--the occasional gunfire from neighbors announcing the cocktail hour, periodic blasting from the quarry, and the absence of the stupid telephones ringing.

Hillary and I have decided that when we leave public life this will be the site of our presidential library. Most of the books are already in place, but we are having trouble locating one issue of Sports Illustrated on the subject of swimming suits. Can anyone help? 

--BTW

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